Clown Tears
by gothickitten
Summary: 'You died today did you know?... Guilt is your bet friend, and I am guilt, so why do you fear me?' r/r close to an R rating...


A/N~ This piece is a totally wacked rant, written on a day when I had lost someone very important to me... My writing is my salvation... As for the characters, you can place those who make the most sense to you to the ones in this story. It was originally written as a release of my emotions, from me to.. someone. Someone who died recently... But I will share it with you, and you may put the characters to the HP cannon people who fit it best... Uh-please don't leave me any comments on how I'm a very messed-up freak. I already know, and no, I am not suicidal. Enjoy, leave a comment, please!  
Maybe...  
  
Maybe if I cry hard enough, I could drown in my tears. Maybe I would; if I was the type of girl who cried.  
  
You died today, did you know? I watched... not crying, just watching, as your breathing shallowed, and watched. Watched as your eyes rolled slightly to the back, and you were cold. I watched. Like I always have...  
  
They cried. They couldn't handle what has happened these past months. And I try to understand. But I can't because... no one but you have ever tried to understand me...  
  
But now your gone.  
  
And I'm alone...  
  
It happened so fast, nobody understood. One day you were here, with us on this earth, next you were lying in the hospital... cancer, God's demon they say. Yes, if God were real. He would be merciless and cruel, much like my life has been to me.  
  
Does it ever end, the show that is my life?  
  
One thing after the next, it's so fast and all so hard. I want to let it go. So bad. I want to so much, sometimes I do some things I shouldn't. One time I cut myself, and watched as my hand bled, as red rivers streamed down my arm and onto the floor.  
  
But only to see if I was numb.  
  
Or if I still felt pain....  
  
You asked about the cut, I said I must have not noticed when I scraped it on something.  
  
You did not believe me, which I understand. You didn't trust me, like I didn't trust you...  
  
You died today, did you know?  
  
Detachment was the best, and I am glad now I was detatched.  
  
He wasn't and he cried. Because he was attatched. I feel pity, but that is all. I hope you forgive. I love him, he is my brother, the closest to my soul... But he is angry. And he hates me. And he blames me...  
  
They say their sorry, and they cannot help me. They say that I can't be fixed.  
  
No, I can't be fixed. I am not broken... I'm just not real.  
  
Didn't you know you died today?  
  
I'm whatever spirit there is' puppet. I act without feeling or thinking.  
  
At your funeral I hope that no one says they are 'so sorry for my loss'... They didn't do this, and I know, and they know, so what do they have to be sorry about?  
  
At your funeral I will wear black, as I always have. Only this time, not only will I. But so will they. For that day, we will all be black. But come the next, only I will.  
  
You took away my black lipstick. And I got mad. I screamed I hate you and to leave me alone... But you didn't hear me, you were used to this by now.  
  
You died today, did you know?  
  
I hate you, but I also love you. Despite my own judgement.  
  
I know I made you cry. More than once...  
  
You felt guilty for my emptiness, this I know. Don't.  
  
Guilt is your bestfriend, both us know. So why do you fear me? I am guilt, and guilt is your best friend... This I know.  
  
You looked at me with disappointment when I asked. I saw, although you prayed I didn't.  
  
He was your better child, and the first born. He is perfect. He left his life to be by your side, gave his all to save you. But it wasn't enough. You love him and he loves you. Maybe if I had given it my all-my very little existance of life-we together could have saved you....  
  
This I know... I am jealous of him.  
  
You died today, did you know?  
  
They all look at me like shit, and I feel their hate. I ruined our family, as disfunctional as it may have been. Shattered, like me. I feel so out of place.  
  
I wish for release. But it will not come, and I have not the strength to force it. But I still wish for it... always.  
  
You were my worst enemy, but my best friend. My only friend.  
  
You died today, did you know?  
  
And guess what?  
  
When you died today....  
  
I held your hand. 


End file.
